Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

Finding peace. It's hard not to see how wonderful life is when you're surrounded by amazing family and friends who love and support you in everything. All this sunshine doesn't hurt either. I'm taking this vacation to let go of my stresses and appreciate all that I have, and just enjoy the simple things in life. I don't need a lot of money, or possessions to feel rich. I've already got everything I'll ever need. My children, my family and my friends.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012


How do you support someone who doesn't want it? My positive outlook, array of ideas and solutions fall on deaf ears. The path is set in his mind, things won't go any other way than how he sees it. Nothing will change that. Nothing else will work but what he's telling himself will. "I'll figure things out" is all I get, it's all I've gotten for 3-4 months. He's waiting for a magical solution to appear. Funny thing is they are all around him, he just has to open his mind to other ways than his way. He basically told me last night that the only way I can support him is to leave with the girls to "do what's best for you and our girls". I thought I was doing what was best. I thought that by standing by my husband in his time of need, and trying to preserve some hope of being a family at the end of this, was doing what's best. I thought trying to help him see the amazing life around him was doing what's best. Leaving feels like a cop out. The easy road. He doesn't have to face us and think about how him not being "here" is hurting us. He doesn't have to solve anything because we are being taken care of. How nice to just be able to toss your family to someone else to take care of and not have any responsibility to anyone but yourself. Meanwhile I get to take care of our family and the burden of caring for us falls on everyone else? That allows him the freedom to not actually work hard towards fixing anything, but rather wallow in his misery and not feel bad about doing it. Us being here puts pressure for him to find a solution.

Everyone has offered such great advice and insight, it's the only way I've gotten through this feeling strong and confident in myself. I have tried to be a vessel to communicate the ideas everyone has come up with, since he has refused to respond to anyone but me. I wish he would accept the support system he has all around him. Between my family and his we're surrounded by amazing people with so much life experience and insight to offer. I'm trying to stay strong in my resolve to be here for him and our family, even though he doesn't want me and keeps pushing harder and harder to keep me at arms length. It's not fair. It's not the first time. We were communicating so well, but all that is gone now. I'm on the outside looking in. The door is locked and I'm waiting on the doorstep until he lets me back in. I am thankful our girls are young enough that this won't even be a memory to them. I'm sad this is how we are welcoming our baby girl. I had such high hopes for this pregnancy and birth to be without life shattering stress and decisions like it was with Isabella. I will survive, I find joy in my girls and we will be happy no matter what.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

I Am A Rock

I am the only thing holding my family together right now.

 It's tiring. Some days are good, others are really hard. It's wearing me down, and I'm not sure how much longer I can be the rock for everyone. Isabella and I are at each other on the bad days. My stress is her stress, and that breaks my heart. She shouldn't have to feel or take any of this. It's not fair. The last few days she's been throwing major fits at lunch time. I figured out today that it's because she wants us all to eat together. We don't spend any time as a family anymore and she notices. I just want to cry. I want to scream. I want him to wake up and see what he's missing, how he's hurting his family. My compromise has been to let her eat lunch in the living room in front of the tv where daddy is. At least then we're all together.. She longs for his attention, however she can get it. He's a great dad, but right now he's not a father or a husband. I don't know who or what he is, and neither does he.

The upside: It's brought mom and I closer. We've been through our periods of not getting along, but I feel closer than ever right now. It's nice to be able to confide in her and get advice and a boost of energy to keep moving forward. We have always had a link between us, which has been good and bad at times. It allows us to be in each others' shoes to connect and understand. She has helped me find patience and clarity in an otherwise muddled and confusing time.

I'm so excited for our little girl to be born. Birth is amazing, and children are wonderful. Hard work but wonderful. I feel a little guilty. Part of me is dying for her to come sooner rather than later so that people will visit and I can have a break from this atmosphere. With her birth somehow comes this new freedom. It's strange to say that, considering how children take away a lot of freedoms, but once she's here people will come visit, then summer starts and we will be gone often to visit family so I will have help with the girls now and again and a break from the depressing atmosphere my home has become.

I'm trying to be understanding, supportive and positive. I'm trying to be a good wife and a mom. For better or for worse..turn the other cheek.. however you want to look at it I have stood true and strong by my vows, by what the bible teaches, by my own personal expectations.. I have found strength when I thought I couldn't go on, I have realized my full potential as a person and have learned to love myself no matter what.