Sunday, May 06, 2012

I Am A Rock

I am the only thing holding my family together right now.

 It's tiring. Some days are good, others are really hard. It's wearing me down, and I'm not sure how much longer I can be the rock for everyone. Isabella and I are at each other on the bad days. My stress is her stress, and that breaks my heart. She shouldn't have to feel or take any of this. It's not fair. The last few days she's been throwing major fits at lunch time. I figured out today that it's because she wants us all to eat together. We don't spend any time as a family anymore and she notices. I just want to cry. I want to scream. I want him to wake up and see what he's missing, how he's hurting his family. My compromise has been to let her eat lunch in the living room in front of the tv where daddy is. At least then we're all together.. She longs for his attention, however she can get it. He's a great dad, but right now he's not a father or a husband. I don't know who or what he is, and neither does he.

The upside: It's brought mom and I closer. We've been through our periods of not getting along, but I feel closer than ever right now. It's nice to be able to confide in her and get advice and a boost of energy to keep moving forward. We have always had a link between us, which has been good and bad at times. It allows us to be in each others' shoes to connect and understand. She has helped me find patience and clarity in an otherwise muddled and confusing time.

I'm so excited for our little girl to be born. Birth is amazing, and children are wonderful. Hard work but wonderful. I feel a little guilty. Part of me is dying for her to come sooner rather than later so that people will visit and I can have a break from this atmosphere. With her birth somehow comes this new freedom. It's strange to say that, considering how children take away a lot of freedoms, but once she's here people will come visit, then summer starts and we will be gone often to visit family so I will have help with the girls now and again and a break from the depressing atmosphere my home has become.

I'm trying to be understanding, supportive and positive. I'm trying to be a good wife and a mom. For better or for worse..turn the other cheek.. however you want to look at it I have stood true and strong by my vows, by what the bible teaches, by my own personal expectations.. I have found strength when I thought I couldn't go on, I have realized my full potential as a person and have learned to love myself no matter what.

1 comment:

KristelBelle said...

I feel the same way in my home. My husband has these major anger bursts towards me and I can't take it much longer. When he does these bursts he is so mean and evil. He says so many things he regrets later. But we never talk about them. Cause he does not want to relive it. Where does that leave me? .. hurt, abused and scared.
I wish my mom was alive to give me advise. But I can't! I told me husband next time he does his outbursts cops will be called. I don't care about his job. I care about me!