Wednesday, May 09, 2012


How do you support someone who doesn't want it? My positive outlook, array of ideas and solutions fall on deaf ears. The path is set in his mind, things won't go any other way than how he sees it. Nothing will change that. Nothing else will work but what he's telling himself will. "I'll figure things out" is all I get, it's all I've gotten for 3-4 months. He's waiting for a magical solution to appear. Funny thing is they are all around him, he just has to open his mind to other ways than his way. He basically told me last night that the only way I can support him is to leave with the girls to "do what's best for you and our girls". I thought I was doing what was best. I thought that by standing by my husband in his time of need, and trying to preserve some hope of being a family at the end of this, was doing what's best. I thought trying to help him see the amazing life around him was doing what's best. Leaving feels like a cop out. The easy road. He doesn't have to face us and think about how him not being "here" is hurting us. He doesn't have to solve anything because we are being taken care of. How nice to just be able to toss your family to someone else to take care of and not have any responsibility to anyone but yourself. Meanwhile I get to take care of our family and the burden of caring for us falls on everyone else? That allows him the freedom to not actually work hard towards fixing anything, but rather wallow in his misery and not feel bad about doing it. Us being here puts pressure for him to find a solution.

Everyone has offered such great advice and insight, it's the only way I've gotten through this feeling strong and confident in myself. I have tried to be a vessel to communicate the ideas everyone has come up with, since he has refused to respond to anyone but me. I wish he would accept the support system he has all around him. Between my family and his we're surrounded by amazing people with so much life experience and insight to offer. I'm trying to stay strong in my resolve to be here for him and our family, even though he doesn't want me and keeps pushing harder and harder to keep me at arms length. It's not fair. It's not the first time. We were communicating so well, but all that is gone now. I'm on the outside looking in. The door is locked and I'm waiting on the doorstep until he lets me back in. I am thankful our girls are young enough that this won't even be a memory to them. I'm sad this is how we are welcoming our baby girl. I had such high hopes for this pregnancy and birth to be without life shattering stress and decisions like it was with Isabella. I will survive, I find joy in my girls and we will be happy no matter what.

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